Exploring Mormonism

Once upon a time, which is how all the best stories of General Authorities start, President Kimball, the rest of the twelve, and several seventies headed to Denmark for a regional conference. Rex D. Pinegar was there and related it in the conference report.

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/1976/10/the-living-prophet?lang=eng

They, for some reason, decided to go to the Vor Frue Kirke (Church of Our Lady).  It houses some sculptures by artist Bertel Thorvaldsen.

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that this sculpture was done by him, and the Visitor Center in Salt Lake City copied it without permission.

Standing in order along the two sides of the cathedral are the lifelike statues of the apostles, with Paul replacing the betrayer Judas Iscariot. As we looked at those beautiful works of art we noted that Peter was sculptured with large keys in his hands; John is holding scriptures. Others of the Twelve are shown with identifying symbols indicating, for example, the manner in which they earned a living or how they were martyred. President Kimball thoughtfully studied each statue.

This is the famous Peter statue going to be referred to throughout.

 As we were ready to leave the cathedral, the Danish caretaker, a man about sixty years of age, was standing near the door awaiting our departure. President Kimball shook his hand, thanked him for his kindness in letting us visit the cathedral.

Awww.  Sweet old men giving gratitude for time spent.

My dear friend, the man who created these statues was surely inspired of the Lord. The beauty and majesty of the Christus are wonderful. While Thorvaldsen was doing his work here, in 1821 to 1844 Joseph Smith was doing his work in America. Thorvaldsen didn’t have the gospel as did Joseph Smith, but he had the Spirit. He must have been inspired to create these statues of Christ and the apostles. He was trying to bring them to life.

Okay, so, I get that this is a missionary experience, but he’s witnessing to a groundskeeper.  The Janitor/Gardner guy.  Remember that for the next bit:

Gathering President Tanner, Elder Monson, and Elder Packer closer to him, the president continued, “We are living apostles of the Lord Jesus Christ. There are Twelve Apostles and three others who are the presidency of the Church. We hold the real keys, as Peter did, and we use them every day. They are in use constantly.”

The Groundskeeper has been polite. He showed this wacky little religion from America around in his church to the priceless statues, and now they’re making a claim, that to him, probably sounded like, “and space aliens made me Jesus.”

He then bears his testimony. Of course, Packer was there and adds some color on how the prophet of God suddenly shouted in front of the church’s caretaker in 1995:

President Kimball, this gentle prophet, turned to President Johan H. Benthin, of the Copenhagen Stake, and in a commanding voice said, “I want you to tell every prelate in Denmark that they do not hold the keys! I HOLD THE KEYS!”

All Caps. Of course, shocking the church caretaker and putting weight on the Stake President of Denmark while beating his chest that he was better than some statues was a better story than Pinegar’s version, and so it was repeated in 1997. Then it was added to lesson manuals, published in books (page 128), teacher’s manuals, and is still in current lesson manuals.

For whatever reason, Boyd K. Packer retold this story in 2008, but a much gentler version, almost more similar to what Rex Pinegar originally said:

President Kimball pointed to those keys and explained what they symbolized. Then, in an act I shall never forget, he turned to President Benthin and with unaccustomed firmness pointed his finger at him and said, “I want you to tell everyone in Denmark that I hold the keys! We hold the real keys, and we use them every day.”

A German saint says:

I knew “Bruder” Benthin while I lived in Germany and he rehearsed this story to me as well. Neither the prelates of Denmark nor the lay membership of the church hold the keys and the rights to declare doctrine, or to alter the interpretation of scripture in any way. And you can always expect me to remind people of this who try to claim otherwise.

So why the renewed, softer version of the story? I know that the Rome missionaries have been told this story with the harsher words, and that they are copying the Vor Frue Kirke’s “Christus” and statues of the apostles for the visitor center of the Rome temple that is being built.

…the visitor’s center is shown with a copy of Thorvaldsen’s “Christus” statue. We have been told that not only will there be a copy of this statue, but of the original Twelve that he did while living in Rome in the 1800s.

So, we love the statues, love the ideas, and Boyd K. loves the idea of pounding the “truth” of us having the keys into everyone in Denmark, starting with 60-year-olds who watch over churches.

What does this look like from an outsider’s perspective?

The story underscores the fact that the Mormons claim to be not only one Christian faith, but the unique Christian faith.

http://www.catholicworldreport.com/Item/2158/revisiting_joseph_smiths_novel_history.aspx#.UX60QqLFV8E

Imagine if WarrenJeffs were to walk up to the SaltLakeTempleVisitorCenter. Imagine that he listened carefully and looked at all the paintings and the Christus there. Then, as he was leaving he said, “We are the living apostles, we have the KEYS!” to the missionaries working there. How crazy would he sound? That’s what Kimball sounded like to an outsider.

It reminds me of a line from They Might be Giants’ “Lost my lucky ball and chain”-  “I can shake my tiny fist, and swear I wasn’t wrong, but what’s the use in arguing, when you’re all alone?”

Why do we repeat this story? Because we want to convince ourselves that we’re right.  That was why Kimball said it to the caretaker and to those around him. The caretaker didn’t care. It was to sell the message to the already converted. Why didn’t kimball approach the dioceses of the Catholic church in Denmark that day with his message?  Because it wasn’t to convince anyone on the outside, but to fire up the hearts of the convinced that they are right, powerful and needed.

But honestly, it’s nothing more than chest-beating bravado if you can’t back it up with facts and dates; and a simple glance at wikipedia on priesthood restoration (pity the mission president, while quoting wikipedia, didn’t go a few steps further, eh) shows that the priesthood restoration completely lacks facts and dates.

Beat on that chest, BoydK.  Beat on it good. It’s all you’ve got.

Recently, L. Tom Perry gave a speech to the students graduating from BYU.

Before I continue, I want you all to know that I really kinda like L. Tom Perry. He’s a grandpa-kinda figure, and seems less caught up in the political mayhem that the other GAs love to create.

But his speech sounded kinda, well, familiar:

http://universe.byu.edu/beta/2013/04/25/elder-l-tom-perry-congratulates-counsels-byu-graduates/

Elder Perry said his parents had a tradition, when their children reached their first birthday, of sitting them in the corner of the room and setting four items in front of them: a toy, a Bible, a bank and a bottle. Whichever item they chose and crawled toward signified the area of life in which they would excel.

This sounded dreadfully familiar, and so I thought to do a second search on LDS.org.

Here is the same talk subject in 2010 to UVU students graduating:

We also had family traditions. The experiences gained from these family traditions taught us basic principles. One fun tradition we practiced in our family had a lasting impression on us. When the children in the family reached the age of one, they were placed at one end of a room and the family at the other end. Where the family was gathered, four objects were placed on the floor: a baby’s milk bottle, a toy, a small savings bank, and the scriptures. The child was then encouraged to crawl to the objects and select one of them.

I selected the bank and turned out to be a financial executive. My brother Ted selected the scriptures, was a great lover of books all his life, and became a lawyer. My brother Bob was the well-rounded member of the family. He crawled up and sat on the scriptures, picked up the bank and placed it right at his feet, and put the bottle in his mouth with one hand and held the toy in the other hand. He became an accountant. He lived a well-balanced life.

And again, in 1991 General Conference:

My parents established a family tradition in our home which was fun for me in my early years and has become even more meaningful as I reflect back on it as the years have passed. On the first birthday of each child the family would gather in the living room. In the center of the living room floor, our parents would place articles for the one-year-old child to select. The selection to be made might indicate an interest the child would pursue in life. The articles were the Bible, a child’s bottle filled with milk, a toy, and a savings bank, filled with coins. The child was placed on one side of the room and the family on the other side. Family members would encourage the child to crawl toward the objects and make a selection. This was all in fun, of course.

I was told that I selected the bank and went into finance as my profession. I watched my brother Ted select the scriptures, and he pursued law as his chosen profession. Over the years he has relied on the scriptures as a basis for his judgments. My youngest brother, Bob, was the well-rounded member of the family. He crawled over, sat down on the Bible, put the bottle of milk in his mouth, and then held the toy in one hand and the bank in the other.

I didn’t hear it at any of these events, but when L. Tom Perry spoke at our Stake Conference. He can take this amusing anecdote and use it for self reliance, or the subject of life choices. He can take this story and turn it to any gospel principle.

The fascinating bits are as follows:

• He doesn’t select the Bible (the book is a Bible in some cases, and just a book in others) and yet became an apostle. One might think this would count as undermining the parents’ ability to prognosticate the future, but no; for some reason his brother is the “book” still.
• He still considers himself a finance guy primarily. That the bank was his, still primarily defines him, and he accepts that with no issue. Every telling of the story, his primary job is an insurance salesman.
• His youngest brother is “well-rounded.” In the Stake Conference re-telling I attended, he mentioned they forgot to give the test to the youngest brother until he was significantly older. Hence why that baby could fetch all the items at once.
• L. Tom Perry only has brothers. I can’t help but wonder if the same ritual would have been done for sisters– if they would have been encouraged to pursue careers had they chosen the bank, or if the items would have been switched.

Another interesting tidbit is that Tom Perry served in World War II. He served as a marine that landed on Saipan, and remained there for about a year (After Tomas Monson’s friend got himself killed for misbehaving on the ship- see previous post; Tom Perry was sent in on the ground). He was also sent into Japan to help rebuild and occupy the ground.

He worked in retail for years.

He also threw out the first pitch at a Red Sox game on May 8, 2004.

He does mention his military experience in one Ensign article, and it is mentioned in his biography, but he really doesn’t identify with that so much as being an insurance salesman.

Again, nothing earth-shattering.  No monumental lies that rock people to their core, but an interesting look into the psyche of an individual who has run one of the largest corporation-churches in the world since 1974.

For the younger readers, I give the wiki and a quick summary. Paul H. Dunn was a major General Authority in the 70s and early 80s who was caught lying through his teeth so often that he was removed as a leader. His lies included playing baseball where he didn’t, serving in Vietnam when he didn’t, and a host of other things.

Please note that, although known as a devout liar that misled saints with tales of miracles and personal achievement, his stories can still be found in manuals being taught to children, and he is listed as an author in the Old Testament Student Manual and as a study source in the instructor’s manuals.

Of course, we’d expect talks of his to still be listed on the LDS.org site, but, to my surprise, many of his talks and lessons were reiterated after he admitted that he had embellished his stories in 1991. Sharing Time in 1990, while Paul H. Dunn was under investigation, even included his stories distributed in both the U.S. and foreign mailings of the Friend.

Interestingly, his obituary is rather short, not listing his war service, his baseball experience, or any other of his tall tales. Also noteworthy, he was never excommunicated for lying to the body of the church, just given Emeritus status on October 1, 1989.

In the late 1980s, a number of investigators, including Arizona Republic reporter Lynn Packer and church critics Jerald and Sandra Tanner, accused Dunn of fabricating or embellishing many of these events.

Jerald and Sandra Tanner published this number once he confessed, illustrating the long history of fabricating stories to make people feel good. I think it is relevant that Mr. Dunn was committing fraud as the head of a company long before anything came to light publicly:

Paul H. Dunn… whose church salary is $40,000 a year, was a director of Afco Enterprises, a real-estate venture until 1978. Afco collapsed four years later; and its owner, Grant C. Affleck, was recently indicted for mail fraud, securities fraud and bankruptcy fraud. Despite Mr. Dunn’s 1978 resignation, records in the U. S. District Court civil suit here show that he continued to have ties with Afco until it entered bankruptcy proceedings in 1982…. and gave advice to directors after he resigned…. A few days before Afco entered bankruptcy proceedings, Mr. Dunn wrote a disgruntled Afco investor a letter calling Mr. Affleck, a fellow Mormon, ‘fair and Christ like.’ U. S. Attorney Brent Ward… says that about 650 investors lost over $20 million through Afco investments.’

Lynn Packer is an interesting fellow. He is the nephew of Boyd K. Packer, and was a professor at BYU at the time.

Researcher Lynn Packer did not get off so easily. “At the same time [that they placed Dunn on emeritus status], however, the university [BYU] terminated Packer’s teaching contract, in part because he wanted to publish a story about his findings. Gordon Whiting, then chairman of the BYU communications department, had warned Packer in a memo that `publication of the Paul Dunn article will damage the church, will damage the university, will damage the department and will damage you.'”

When Packer, himself a Mormon, decided to release his four years of research to The Arizona Republic in spite of the threats, his contract was terminated and he lost his job. Whiting explained that Packer violated, “church and university policies that prohibit public criticism if church leaders.  Mormon leader Dunn was not reprimanded for altering the facts, but Packer was fired simply for showing that these stories were not true.

Lynn Packer also investigated another con man of infamy, one “Mark Hofmann.”  He had been tasked at KSL, as he was also employed there, to look into Mark Hofmann’s dealings with Gordon B. Hinckley. He was fired for wanting to publish that story. Packer also published work for the Utah City Weekly newspaper in 2007, highlighting graft and issues in the Olympics, as well as other issues.

His Sunstone article detailing his research is available here.

Among Dunn’s claims that came to be questioned were:

• that Dunn had played major league baseball with the St. Louis Cardinals;^[1]
• that Dunn was one of only six in his 1,000-man combat group who survived World War II, and was the only one of the six survivors who wasn’t wounded;^[2]
• that Dunn was the sole survivor among 11 infantrymen in a 100-yard race against death, during which one burst of machine-gun fire ripped his right boot off, another tore off his ammunition and canteen belt and yet another split his helmet in half—all without wounding him;^[3]
• that Dunn’s best friend died in his arms from serious injuries sustained in a battle on Okinawa.^[4]

When confronted with evidence that several of his stories were either completely falsified or substantially embellished, Dunn admitted that the stories were not completely true, yet continued to defend his use of the stories:

I haven’t purposely tried to embellish or rewrite history. I’ve tried to illustrate points that would create interest. [I was] simply putting history in little finer packages.

The response to the allegations against Mr. Dunn were, perhaps predictable. The Deseret News tried to cast reason to doubt the allegations, and BYU students informed in the Daily Universe became upset anyone would say such truths about a man who was so loved, including one man punching the author (The Daily Universe, Feb. 21, 1991)!

On October 26, the following letter was published in the Church News, a supplement section of Deseret Morning News (a newspaper owned by the LDS Church):

October 23, 1991
I have been accused of various activities unbecoming a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
I confess that I have not always been accurate in my public talks and writings. Furthermore, I have indulged in other activities inconsistent with the high and sacred office which I have held.
For all of these I feel a deep sense of remorse, and ask forgiveness of any whom I may have offended.
My brethren of the General Authorities, over a long period of time, have conducted in-depth investigations of the charges made against me. They have weighed the evidence. They have censured me and placed a heavy penalty upon me.
I accept their censure and the imposed penalty, and pledge to conduct my life in such a way as to merit their confidence and full fellowship.
In making these acknowledgements, I plead for the understanding of my brethren and sisters throughout the Church and give assurance of my determination so to live as to bring added respect to the cause I deeply love, and honor to the Lord who is my Redeemer.
Sincerely, Paul H. Dunn^[5]

The exact identity of the “heavy penalty” that was imposed upon Dunn is unclear. It is clear that Dunn was not excommunicated from the church, though it is not known whether or not he was placed under some other form of church discipline, such as disfellowshipment or probation.

So what should have happened to Mr. Dunn? In a Sunstone article, there is final note about an LDS chaplain who forged heroic stories about serving in Vietnam. The Chaplain was court-martialed and faced up to 20 years in prison. He was fined $10,000 and dismissed, however.

The fascinating thing is not just that the church tried to cover up the scandal, not that they tried to bribe their way out of it, or that they still use a man who blatantly lied in their teaching material up until long after it was obvious the man was a fraud. It’s that so many of the current GAs are engaged in similar behavior without anyone noticing.

In 1969, Thomas S. Monson told a story of a friend named “Arthur Patton” and his sad widowed mother.

The story is reproduced in full here.

Thomas gives some very detailed info about Arthur in this talk.

• He had blond, curly hair.
• A smile as big as all outdoors.
• Arthur stood taller than any boy in the class.
•  Enlisted in the Navy at the tender age of 15.
• He wrote lots of letters to his mother.
• Mrs. Patton, (his mother) was a cleaning woman for a downtown office.
• Arthur was killed in the Battle of the Coral Sea, the sinking of the Lexington did not occur then, but the ship did participate and was crippled. It was scuttled (intentionally sunk) on May 8th.

This message was reprinted in the New Era, in 1991.

In 2007, now as Prophet of the LDS Church, the tale was told again:

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/10/mrs-patton-the-story-continues?lang=eng

Details that changed:

• Arthur was transferred from the USS Dorsey, a destroyer, to the USS White Plains, an aircraft carrier.
• While at Saipan in the South Pacific, the ship was attacked. Arthur was one of those on board who was lost at sea.

The USS White Plains was not sunk. However, for the remainder of the war, she carried out the relatively tame assignment of ferrying replacement aircraft from their factories in the United States to bases in the western Pacific.

A quicker review of all Navy casualties from Utah in WWII shows that no one by the name “Arthur Patten” or “Arthur Patton” died on either of these ships, or any other ship in WWII.

According to the ship’s own “Report of Changes of U.S.S. White Plains (CVE 66) for the month ending 19th day of July 1944,” Patton was declared as “missing” on 4 July 1944, not in March 1944. Moreover, that “missing” designation was ascribed in Patton’s case to the “result of own misconduct.” In other words, Patton was not classified by his ship’s crew log as having been killed during, or as a result of, battle action.

Also reported “Missing as result of own misconduct” on the same day as Patton was a fellow shipmate, Blake Lewis Pauley.

the U.S.S. White Plains left the combat zone off Saipan on 2 July 1944–meaning that (contrary to Monson’s story) Patton was not killed in combat within that zone or time period because his ship was, in fact, steaming to and/or arriving at an atoll outside the combat zone before Patton was declared “missing as result of own misconduct”

a WW II combined task unit casualty list (one that included the U.S.S. White Plains) reveals (contrary to Monson’s claim) no–repeat, no–“Arthur Patton” listed as killed or missing in action. Accompanying that list is the note that “KIA/MIAs are verified via the MEN LOST IN ACTION FROM THE CVE/DD/DE’s OF TAFFY III monument at Fort Rosecrans National Cemetery, San Diego, CA”

(“Crew Lists of Task Unit 77.4.3: U.S.S. White Plains {CVE 66) and Composite Squadron VC-4,” at:http://www.bosamar.com/crewlist/cve66crewlist.html, original emphasis).

Original leg work on this section of research was found here.

Please note that the accounts do not indicate that the U.S.S. White Plains suffered significant casualties or damage as a result of the Saipan operations.

It appears that Patton was not killed in battle at all:

Moreover, Patton vanished completely from U.S. military in-service and out-of-service records after July 1944. His mother, according to Monson, eventually informed Monson by letter (after Monson had falsely declared in his 1969 sermon that Patton died in 1942 in the wrong sea and on the wrong boat) that her son was “killed” on 5 July 1944. Monson, however, has not publicly claim that Patton’s mother informed him of how Patton was “killed.” — ibid

The California Department of Health Services, Office of Health Information and Research Vital Statistics Section, declares that Patton’s friend died on the death date given to Monson by his mother:

Last Name: PAULEY
First Name: BLAKE
Middle: LEWIS
Birth Date: 02/16/1927
Mother Maiden: CRANE
Father Last: PAULEY
Sex: M
Birth Place: CALIFORNIA
Death Place: OTHER COUNTRIES
Residence Death Date: 07/05/1944
Age: 17 yrs

Monson then reveals that the mother had written him a letter:

During the first week of May 1969, to my astonishment and joy, I received a letter postmarked Pomona, California, and dated April 29, 1969. It was from Mrs. Terese Patton. I share with you a part of that letter:

“Dear Tommy,

“I hope you don’t mind my calling you Tommy, as I always think of you that way. I don’t know how to thank you for the comforting talk you gave.

“Arthur was 15 years old when he enlisted in the navy. He was killed one month before his 19th birthday on July 5, 1944.

“It was wonderful of you to think of us. I don’t know how to thank you for your comforting words, both when Arthur died and again in your talk. I have had many questions over the years, and you have answered them. I am now at peace concerning Arthur. . . . God bless and keep you always.

“Love,

“Terese Patton”

It seems odd that Monson wouldn’t mention the letter for 38 years after receiving the letter. Despite that, a postscript was added to the 1969 talk, but with no dates or locations corrected.

Another point to consider:

As the years lengthen, Monson’s knowledge of Patton’s military circumstances curiously appears to be expanding–meaning, that Mrs. Patton wasn’t helping him accumulate facts but someone else was. (Indeed, in his 2007 sermon, Monson declares, in essence, that he doesn’t know where Mrs. Patton is and dramatically speaks to her in abstentia). –ibid

Steve Benson provides the following details:

Name: Terese Patton
DOB: 11/28/1894
Place of Issuance [of SS #]: UTAH
DOD: June 1980
Last Residence: Visalia, California
_____

More information from the state of California Death Index:

Name: Terese Patton
Last Residence: 93277 Visalia, Tulare, California, United States of America
Born: 28 Nov 1894
Last Benefit: 93277 Visalia, Tulare, California, United States of America
Died: Jun 1980
State (Year) SSN issued: Utah (Before 1951)
_____

Arthur Patton’s mother’s maiden name was Teresa Loikits.

His father’s name was Louis Albert Lee, or just “Lee” Patton.

The Pattons tied to Arthur came from their Chicago line. This particular Chicago family tree indicates that Terese Patton died in Ponoma, CA (which is where Monson says he received a postmarked letter from her).

Interesting factoid: Arthur’s father died on 8 December 1941, one day after Pearl Harbor and two days before Arthur enlisted in the Navy in Salt Lake City.

Arthur Patton’s father was still in Chicago at the time of Arthur’s father’s death.

Another poster points out:

No mention by Tom of Arthur joining up just two days after Arthur’s dad dies–who had died just one day after Pearl Harbor was attacked.

Makes one wonder just how close Tom and Arthur really were.

TL;DR: Although it is possible that Thomas Monson didn’t remember the details of Arthur’s service when he gave his original talk, and that the mother was miraculously invited to watch the conference talk, she did not provide the details in the letter that Monson later corrected himself.

It is far more likely that he told the story, was caught in a lie, and had church researchers look up details so that future tellings would not be as embarrassing. Perhaps someone on the correlation committee caught it as he planned to simply re-tell the same 1969 story.

This story, told in General Conference, has all the hallmarks of BS. Feels good, single source that was a friend of someone who was present when the story was told 50 years later by a woman who was in her 90s, etc.

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/10/by-faith-all-things-are-fulfilled?lang=eng

The original story comes from her fireside biography:

http://williehandcartcompany.blogspot.com/2011/05/following-is-said-to-be-autobiography.html

Maybe it happened, maybe it didn’t. I’ll give a short list of things that have more sources than this that are more stable:

• Brigham Young’s cane was Oliver Cowdery’s dousing rod (2 sources, both eye witnesses to the cane).
• Joseph Smith, Jr. had John C. Bennett perform abortions (3 sources, contemporary).
• Thomas B. Marsh witness Joseph Smith order the destruction of the town Gallatin and the theft of property of the exmormons that were driven out of their homes in early winter (2 sources, signed affidavit).
• Joseph Smith ordered Porter Rockwell to assassinate Governor Boggs (14 sources, all second hand).

You see, it’s not so much that you can’t tell a nice feeling story. It’s that there is a bias against good information with lots of sources, and to pick badly sourced information that is faith promoting, that I have an issue with. They then use these “probably didn’t happen” stories to encourage people to take real action in the physical world, action that could get them hurt, and, incidentally making comparisons of faith and reason like this:

faith and reason are like the two wings of an aircraft. Both are essential to maintain flight. If, from your perspective, reason seems to contradict faith, pause and remember that our perspective is extremely limited compared with the Lord’s.

Faith, founded in untrue stories and false anecdotes, is not, in any way, like a wing on an aircraft. Reason, logic, and science built the aircraft. Faith in god would have us still saying things like:

If man had been meant to fly, he would have been born with wings.

The myth of the five dollar lawn, the Countess, and Vaughn J. Featherstone’s Aldin Porter story.

When I was in Young Men’s, they read us the story of the five dollar lawn. Every time I’d mow the lawn, the story would haunt me. I hated the story with a passion. As an economist, I had so many issues with it, it’s hard to list them all.

Ever since I discovered the church wasn’t true, I’ve wanted to debunk this story, and I finally found it today (The story begins about 30 paragraphs from the bottom.).

Now the story, according to Vaughn, was originally related by Aldin Porter.

Aldin Porter

Aldin Porter was born in Salt Lake, but raised in Idaho Falls, Idaho. According to the story, his teenage days were in some Utah town of no name. In this town there lived a “Countess.”  She had a giant house, with house staff, and it was close enough she could identify Aldin Porter’s house as a “green house with the willow trees in the next block.”  This happened “one day when I was about thirteen.”

Aldin Porter was born in June 30, 1931. That means this story should have occurred in 1944.  We’re going to give him credit that he was probably mowing lawns in summer time after his birthday, which would put World War II in swing.  The Normandy landing would have happened a few weeks before his 13th birthday.

“When the Countess gave an order, it was carried out.”

The next section reads.  Clearly this was a figure of some import.  I wonder why I can’t find any instances of a countess in Utah…

He then works for a full day for ‘I don’t know. Fifty cents, maybe.’ –  about $6.39 in today’s currency.  She pays him an extra $1.50, totaling about $2.00 which is worth about $25 in today’s currency.  Decent pay for a lawn job.

The story continues:

There are as many ways of mowing a lawn as there are people, and they may be worth anywhere from a penny to five dollars. Let’s say that a three-dollar job would be just what you have done today, except that you’d have to be something of a fool to spend that much time on a lawn.

This is a fascinating evaluation of individuals. The idea that any person is only worth a penny, and that the boy she is having work for her is about $3.00. She also instantly includes the time-value of money, that one can spend foolish amounts of time on a lawn.

A five-dollar lawn is—well, it’s impossible, so we’ll forget about that. Now then, each week I’m going to pay you according to your own evaluation of your work.

What fascinates me here is that she first Shanghai’s him into the job, and then tells him she’ll determine what he’ll be paid. I have to wonder if the boy’s parents knew even where he was and what he was doing. As a father, I’m usually there to help broker and negotiate payment of services for my kids, but here, the discussion of money and time effort is completely devoid of parental oversight.

He then goes on to do increasingly better lawn jobs each week, wearing himself out at the $3.00 level.

‘You look like a good consistent $3.50 man,’ she would say as she handed me the money…‘Well, don’t feel too bad,’ she would comfort me. ‘After all, there are only a handful of people in the world who could do a four-dollar job.’

She sounds like a manipulative, controlling, piece of aristocracy to me by this point. This is a thirteen-year-old, who is on summer vacation and is earning side cash. I guess she was hoping for a professional gardener at teenage prices.

 but I knew that a five-dollar lawn demanded that I line up each edge exactly with a yard stick and then trim it precisely with the edger.

This is the bit that stuck with me. For that extra $1 ($6 in today’s currency) he was going to hold a yard stick to every corner of the lawn? Seriously? And trim it all to precision? He was already cutting the lawn with SHEARS for crying out loud.

He then accomplishes the “impossible” five dollar job.

‘I think I know,’ she continued, ‘how you felt when this idea first came to you of caring for a lawn that I told you was impossible. It made you very happy when it first came, then a little frightened. Am I right?’

And the lady then instantly reveals that she was manipulating him all along. He’s lucky she didn’t invite him into a van for a piece of candy.

‘I know how you felt, because the same thing happens to almost everyone. They feel this sudden burst in them of wanting to do some great thing. They feel a wonderful happiness, but then it passes because they have said, “No, I can’t do that. It’s impossible.” Whenever something in you says, “It’s impossible,” remember to take a careful look and see if it isn’t really God asking you to grow an inch, or a foot, or a mile, that you may come to a fuller life.’ …

Ah… right.  And now we get it, right. She thinks of herself as God pushing the boy to do something impossible. Pushing him beyond that first round of tiredness and the idea of doing a lawn.

Now let’s see that source: Richard Thurman, “The Countess and the Impossible,”Reader’s Digest, June, 1958.

Wait, what?  Reader’s Digest?

That’s right. This story didn’t happen in 1944, and it didn’t happen to Elder Featherstone, nor to Aldin Porter. It didn’t happen to ANY General Authority. Richard Turner wrote an essay in 1958 to Reader’s Digest about a boy in Utah doing lawn care. I have found no records of a “Countess” in any small city in Utah. I can’t find who this Richard Turner is and, as one might know, a story does not have to be true to be submitted to Reader’s Digest.

No, the story, by all indications, is a fabrication. A lie. A fable to teach a purpose. But you see, the Ensign article cites Richard Turner’s Reader’s Digest as the ultimate source, but Mr. Featherstone… in Conference, he quoted it as being from “Aldin Porter,” effectively crediting it as a story that happened in Utah, as an actual story that happened to a General Authority, to all who were listening that day.

It’s plagiarism not to cite the original source, and to co-opt a fictional story written by someone in the world and transform it to push people to accomplish the impossible because “god can make them do so…” well, it borders on straight out lying.

It’s like using Pinnochio as a science manual to illustrate that Harry Potter transmogrifications (boys into donkeys) is possible.

Even worse, it’s published in the Young Men’s manual. At least it does cite Reader’s Digest in the online manual, but I was taught, as a boy, that it was a General Authority it happened to. I don’t know if my teacher was lazy and skipped the actual citation, or whether they quoted Brother Featherstone in the original manual.

Regardless, fictional “feel good” stories that can cause guilt for ages in young men, encouraging them in setting up impossible life goals, should be frowned upon by adults everywhere– particularly if one co-opts the nice story and makes it sound like it’s from God.