Things that make me go Hmmmm (Jokes)

Some random thoughts. Some I’ve posted before, but others are new. I imagine I could do a George Carlin style stand up routine for exmormons using these:

  • Adam using a compass and a square; or not having a clue how they are used.
  • Adam’s altar not being wiped out by the flood.
  • Cain’s offering being rejected because it was of grain and not a lamb when there is clearly a grain offering.
  • God’s decision to paint someone black because of murder, and why murderers and Satan worshipers today don’t change skin color (or have a “mark” set upon them by God).
  • Why, if the sons of god married the daughters of man (or vice versa in the JST), didn’t God do something about it? Clearly this was going to harm the entirety of the Earth to the point of needing a flood. Why didn’t he do something to prevent it? You know, like make a mark on them, or turn them black? Seems simple enough, and clearly it worked for Cain.
  • Noah, Noah, Noah. Noah has been done to death. Let’s forget the whole ark, and getting every animal in. Ignore that Cain would need to be waterskiing off the back of the ark to still be alive and be bigfoot today. But answer me this, if Noah was such a great guy, why does he curse his son for seeing him naked? I mean, there are a lot of reasons to curse someone, and having them see your schlong when it’s your kid, I can get it to some degree; but this is a classic example of a parent screwing up and blaming the kid.

 I’m drunk, I’m naked, I’m lying down… it’s all your fault… 

I might as well paint you black and promise that my other sons will kill and subjugate your kids for the rest of time for that one.

  • Moses. Moses confuses me. Not because he was a Hebrew prince who could have taken over the kingdom and released all the slaves that way, but instead God thought it would be fun to do things the hard way.

No, I can see God’s logic. Sometimes your kids need to be whopped hard and beaten down until they’re all dead, and you have to start with grandkids. It’s easier that way. No, what I see is that Moses wasn’t really a bright guy. He relies on God to send curses that are very general. God shows him that he can hit specific targets by showing him leprosy that would hit a specific individual and then sends plagues of flies and frogs.

That’s the reverse of the U.S. military policy. It’s not hitting a specific target with a predator drone, it’s hitting as much of the civilian population as possible.

Don’t you think that if fire came from heaven and scorched Ramses where he stood, the next in line to Pharaoh would have noticed? Maybe he would have a hard heart too, whatever that means, but I bet after three or four strikes, one of them would have gotten the picture, and no civilians needed to deal with lice, frogs, or whatever else.

And can I just take a second and say that if you are going on a road trip on foot for 40 years, the last thing you need is gold and jewels. Totally despoiling Egypt, yeah, that’s fun. I get that, but, wow, that would get heavy. So they build a cow with the gold they were told to take with them. Not a bright idea, but at least it puts the heavy stuff in one place.

And then moses makes them drink it… somewhere in the Egyptian desert there should be a mass of human turds that have gold inside… because our bodies don’t process gold. It’s out there for some archaeologist, and any day now you’ll read about the gold turd farm, I’m sure of it.

  • I skipped Abraham because Abraham has also suffered enough at the hands of critics. Child sacrifice can do that to you.

No, I want to point out that Isaac was a low-watt bulb. No, I’m serious. He’s willing, at the age of 20, to be sacrificed. He can’t pick his own wife and the servant goes to find a wife. He bribes the girl and seems very, very happy she’ll go along with it. A little too happy. Like he knows something she doesn’t when she hasn’t seen the guy.

And later in life, Isaac can’t tell that goat hair isn’t the hair on his son’s arm. No, there’s something wrong with this one.

He was born to a woman in her 90’s and if ever there was a candidate for a prophet who had Down syndrome, it’s Isaac.

  • Then you have Jacob and his sons. Gosh, what a dysfunctional family. The women are trading the prophet’s sexy time, the children are doing their daughters-in-law, or selling their brother into slavery, or killing the guys who want to marry their sister… these are the equivalent of Hebrew white trash.

I just picture God looking at this whole bunch. I mean, these are the good guys. These are the ones the Earth was saved for. And I say, we’re lucky we only got one flood. Ya know?

  • I don’t think he was really mad that Moses touched the rock to get water out of it. I think he’d just had a hard first several thousand years of the Earth and lost it for a minute.

That’s why he kills Moses and then translates him without him tasting death… because when you’re all powerful, things like that are easy.

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Last edited by EmmaHS on February 2, 2013 at 7:44 am

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