Jesus Christ, Superhero

Today we’re going to follow up on an adult institute class. Remember, this isn’t for primary kids, this is for accountants, janitors, and CEOs to all meet together after hours and study scriptures.

This one is taught by this guy, who will take you to the holy land on a trip if you are wealthy enough, and show you amazing things about where Christ walked.

All around, he’s a decent guy, but he does like to sell things that should make the average person say, “Wait, what?” as totally plausible.

We’ve already discussed how having blood come out of a pore would require about a teaspoon of blood, and that if one bleeds out of every pore, you have to have thousands of gallons of blood come out. Also, pore-bleeding is a condition that should be immediately treated by a doctor unless one is about to be crucified, in which case, I guess pore-bleeding isn’t really the largest of concerns.

Which brings us to Christ’s first superpower. He must be able to spontaneously generate blood. Lots of it. Which probably means the Catholic church is true as spontaneous blood generation, called stigmata, is pretty key to their beliefs.

But then, after losing more blood than any person has by thousands of gallons (average human has 8 pints of blood), Jesus walked 5 miles.


Jesus walked 5 miles, and he would walk 5 more, just to be the man who walked 10 miles to fall down at Pilate’s door.
(Click image for full size)

See that note up in the corner? Yeah, that’s something that Jeff Chadwick actually taught, and the student thought it noteworthy. Simply going from Caiaphus to Pilate to Herod. This is someone who has been to Jerusalem and actually measured the real distances.

So Jesus has super stamina. I wonder if they did this with all prisoners who had extreme blood loss?

Here’s the kicker. Remember how they whip him and put the crown of thorns on his head, and then he tries to carry the cross? He can’t do it, right, someone has to help him (My name is Judah, Judah Ben Hur… I was once Moses, and pry the gun from my cold, dead hands).

So Jesus has super stamina and spontaneous blood generation, BUT it is not infinite, because by the time it comes to the cross, he requires mortal assistance.

Not that Mr. Chadwick pointed this out. He simply remarked on the difficulty of our poor savior in having to walk so far rather than apply any thought process to how this clearly illustrates that Jesus needed to meditate on his spells for blood generation and stamina that morning, or else the DM wouldn’t let him cast the spell when it came to the cross.

Ah well, maybe the DM will let him play a different class in the next game. I hear he bought a new Deity module, that trumps the demi-god rules in the original edition.

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Last edited by EmmaHS on February 2, 2013 at 9:22 pm

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